On a lighter note, I'm offering up a fabricated interview that I modeled after a piece that has been kicking around the internet for a number of years. Hope you enjoy it :o)

Dr. P. Kibble interviewed by N. R. Food

N. R. Food: Good morning everyone, today we're interviewing Dr. P. Kibble from the pet food industry. Greetings Dr. Kibble, thank you for joining us today.

Dr. P. Kibble: You're welcome, um, but may I ask why I had to sit here so long waiting for you?

N. R. Food: Oh, I do apologize, didn't they tell you I was chilling in the refrigerator, and offer the same to you ?

Dr. P. Kibble: Yes they did, but I don't need refrigeration, so let's get on with it.

N. R. Food: But, I don't understand. Your résumé states that you're made mostly from animal and plant by-products. Aren't you perishable? All my friends would decompose without refrigeration.

Dr. P. Kibble: Is this going to be a hostile interview? I'm cooked twice, and have preservatives, emulsifiers, artificial colors, and flavorings added. I'm sure the people who make me know what they are doing - the research department works very closely with marketing on this issue.

N. R. Food: I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem hostile, I'm just curious. Doesn't all that cooking greatly diminish your nutritional value and denature your proteins? And, um, your résumé lists only a few additives, why not all those you mentioned, and are the added chemicals healthy?

Dr. P. Kibble: Didn't you properly prepare for this interview by reading all our promotional material? I'm fortified with vitamins and minerals, and the chemicals are perfectly healthy. Some preservatives are added by our raw material suppliers and we don't have to list those. The FDA would never allow any unhealthy ingredients, and they have “safe level” standards where there is any question. By the way, who made you?

N. R. Food: Oh, I'm made by God or mother nature, whatever your beliefs. Your packaging says you are natural, but how does that jive with all the chemicals you mentioned?

Dr. P. Kibble: Um, God, never heard of that company, but it's a catchy name, dog spelled backwards, and short and comfy, why didn't we think of that. Anyway, we're getting off on a tangent here, our legal department looked into using “natural” on our packaging, and as long as there are natural additives included, such as vitamin C and E, it's OK. I have preservatives to reduce waste, and to maintain edibility for at least a twelve month shelf life.

N. R. Food: Wow, twelve months, I envy your freedom. If I tried to stay out at room temperature for twelve months I'd have decomposed so much no animal would want to eat me. It all seems so ... um, to defy mother nature in a manner of speaking.

Dr. P. Kibble: See, that's why I'm superior, because we're smarter than mother nature. Between the raw material processing and cooking, and our own, I'm reduced to nearly an inert state, and the preservatives ensure I remain that way, as long as I'm not allowed to absorb additional moisture. To be sure I remain palatable, as a finishing touch I'm sprayed with an irresistible protein digest and vitamin supplement mix. We pay our in-house vet a lot of money to certify that I'm safe and nutritionally complete. It's really that magic spray that gives me all the nutrition that our marketing promotes. Besides, animals have livers and immune systems to remove the other stuff.

N. R. Food: What I don't understand is how you keep your price so economical. Sure, plant by-products are inexpensive, but meat, and even meat by-products, vary in price much more with supply and demand? I've gone up in price considerably lately.

Dr. P. Kibble: That's the beauty of the business model. Our financial people, the brains of our industry, use a “least cost” mathematical model to vary my ingredients to keep costs down. Say the price of one ingredient goes up, that ingredient is reduced and more of the least costing ingredients are added to make up the difference. Keeping costs down ensures greater profits, and that's the whole point in life, right?

N. R. Food: Um, yes, I suppose. But how does that affect your nutritional profile, and what about the list of ingredients in your résumé?

Dr. P. Kibble: We keep the nutritional guidelines low enough for our business model, and we keep my list of ingredients general enough so incremental changes don't usually affect such.

N. R. Food: Are you saying that your industry polices itself?

Dr. P. Kibble: Um, something like that. The government knows we are very ethical and trusts us, and the consumers trust the government. Next question?

N. R. Food: Well ... looking at your packaging I see enticing pictures of meat, apples, cheese, grains, and other natural raw foods that are friends of mine, but you're just a brown pasty substance?

Dr. P. Kibble: That's the excellent work of our marketing graphics department, nice isn't it, and it costs a small fortune. Legal says it's OK, and people want to see in me what they believe, like the wholesome and freshness concepts. Marketing is a great American tradition, aren't you patriotic? Where is all this leading? Another question, or is that it?

N. R. Food: OK, I did have just a couple more questions. First, your ingredients are listed in order by weight, but if they were to be listed by volume, the plant matter, and especially grains, would be shown to amount to substantially more of your makeup. Considering the scientific evidence of cats and dogs having a carnivore's digestive system, and thriving much better on meat, organ, and bone, isn't your industry shortchanging pets' health with all the plant matter? Second, how would you comment on the fact that a Canadian veterinary school professor recently showed on CBC that a mixture of old leather boots, sawdust, and motor oil, though toxic, met your nutritional guidelines?

Dr. P. Kibble: Our own industry research, supported by many prestigious veterinarians, shows that animals can survive quite well on our products. We also provide superior nutritional courses at the top veterinary medicine schools. How can any intelligent person consider farciful conclusions from an out-of-touch school in the backwoods of Canada? Now if you'll excuse me, I have another important appointment.

N. R. Food: Of course, and I thank you for your valuable time.

Dr. P. Kibble: [off camera and fuming] Who is the idiot that vetted this interviewer, and what happened to my list of prepared questions? Someone's head is going to roll!

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If you would like a better understanding of a dog's diet needs for optimum health, please see the journal entry “Ol' Shep's Well-being: A Natural Perspective”